Children Learn What They See: Modelling vs Advising

“Say sorry.” “Eat your vegetables.” “Don’t shout!” Most of us give our children dozens of instructions every day. Yet young children often seem to ignore what we say and copy exactly what we do, right down to the way we answer the phone.

That is not a coincidence. Understanding parents as role models can change how we guide our children, and make everyday parenting a little easier.

Children Copy More Than They Listen

In the early 1960s, psychologist Albert Bandura and his colleagues ran a famous study with nursery school children aged about 3 to 6. Some children watched an adult hit and shout at an inflatable “Bobo” doll. Later, when left with the doll, many of those children copied the adult’s actions, often closely. Children who had not seen this were much less likely to behave that way.

This work became part of Bandura’s social learning theory: children learn a great deal simply by watching the people around them. For young children especially, the adults they love are their most powerful teachers.

Advising vs Modelling: Everyday Examples

• Screen time: “Put the phone down” means little if we scroll through every meal. Keeping our own phones away at mealtimes shows what we mean.
• Saying sorry: children learn to apologise when they hear us say, “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I was tired.”
• Vegetables: children are more willing to try foods they see their family enjoying.
• Staying calm: asking a child to calm down while we shout sends mixed messages. A quiet voice teaches calm better than any lecture.
• Reading: children who see adults reading books, newspapers or recipes learn that reading is part of everyday life.

When Advice Does Help

Words still matter. Advice works best when it is:

• Short and clear: “Gentle hands with the baby” works better than a long explanation.
• Positive: say what to do (“Walk inside”) rather than only what not to do.
• Matched by your actions: when what children hear and what they see are the same, the message sticks.

Modelling Big Feelings

Children cannot see what happens inside us, so it helps to say it out loud:

• “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take three deep breaths.”
• “I made a mistake. Let me try again.”
• “I feel sad that Paati went home. I’ll call her tomorrow.”

This shows children that feelings are normal and that there are calm ways to handle them. For more on this, read Handling Toddler Tantrums Calmly.

Ten Small Habits Worth Modelling at Home

1. Saying “please”, “thank you” and “sorry”.
2. Putting things back where they belong.
3. Washing hands before eating.
4. Trying a new food, even a small bite.
5. Putting the phone away during meals and play.
6. Listening without interrupting.
7. Speaking kindly about others.
8. Taking a deep breath when upset.
9. Reading for pleasure.
10. Helping with chores without complaining.

No One Is a Perfect Role Model

Every parent loses patience sometimes. What matters is what happens next. When you calmly say, “I shouldn’t have shouted. I’m sorry,” your child learns something just as valuable: how to take responsibility and repair a relationship.

A Note for Parents

Every child and every family is different. This article offers general guidance, not professional advice. If you are worried about your child’s behaviour or emotional wellbeing, please speak to your paediatrician or a qualified child psychologist. Early support can make a big difference.

Learning by Example at Saranshi

At Saranshi International Preschool in Medavakkam, Chennai, we believe children learn best from caring adults who show them kindness, patience and curiosity every day, at school and at home.